I met Ellie when I was delivering a workshop for new managers a few years ago. She was 6 months into her new role as team lead. 

I knew her boss - Michael. He sang her praises. From the way he described her, I expected a young woman excited about her new role and ready to build on her success. 

But the Ellie I met was struggling. 

It didn’t take long to figure out why.    

It all began with the promotion. 

Ellie and Jake had been co-workers.  And friends. When she became his boss, everything changed.      

It had been 6 months. Despite Ellie’s best efforts, Jake was still angry about the promotion. And Ellie was on the receiving end of his frustration. 

Jake was rude and disrespectful to Ellie. He was late for meetings with her if he bothered to show up at all. A simple request would turn into a 30-minute debate. And whenever possible, Jake would go to his former boss Michael instead of Ellie.    

But Jake was good at his job. A great technical skill set. And he got along with everyone. Everyone except Ellie. 

After 6 months Ellie was exhausted. Constant battles with Jake. Doubting her abilities.

And as a first time mother, she was on a steep learning curve at home too. 

For the first time in her professional life, Ellie was feeling defeated. With no idea what to do next.    

It Happens

From team leads to CEOs, those passed over at promotion time can be resentful. And a few stay that way. It happens. It was Ellie's bad luck that it happened in her first management role.    

Without a record of success, it’s easy to doubt your abilities. These are new experiences and you’ve not had the chance to develop the skills you need to deal with a problem like this.  

One thing Ellie had struggled with was feeling like this situation was unique to her.  She was failing when others succeeded.  

Knowing that so many others struggled with similar issues, at every level of leadership allowed Ellie to take some of the pressure off of herself.  

It was a simple, but powerful first step. 

Where’s the Boss? 

I’ve run into a lot of people who’ve had an experience like Ellie’s. Except the baby - that was a new twist. 

They’re so busy trying to fix things, it doesn’t occur to them it’s not their problem to solve.  

Jake was angry because he didn’t get a promotion. That was Michaels’ decision. Michael should have addressed this immediately.  Scheduling a career planning meeting or two in those early days goes a long way.      

But Michael was new at this managing thing too. It didn’t occur to him to take the lead. And this kind of conflict was so far outside his comfort zone he would have done anything to avoid it.       

So Ellie was left to figure it out on her own.  

Confidence Crash 

Ellie was a talented young woman.  Michael told her often that she was doing a good job. But she no longer believed it.         

If you’re in a situation like Ellie, your confidence shaken, here’s a general rule of thumb:  

When your boss thinks you’re doing a good job, you should too.   

Easy to say. But hard to do.  

After 6 months of frustration, Ellie’s belief in her abilities was at an all-time low.  

Fortunately, there was a simple way to turn things around. Or at least make a good start. 

For Ellie, success looked like “fixing” the relationship with Jake. She took full responsibility, believing that was her job.  It's what effective managers do.  

Anything less than a healthy, positive relationship meant she had failed. 

What if there was a quick fix for Ellie? Something so simple she could do it in just a few minutes?  

Could it be as simple as changing how Ellie defined success?  

Old Problem, New Angle 

When it came to Ellie’s effectiveness as a team lead, she focused almost exclusively on  one thing. Fixing her relationship with Jake.      

But that was a narrow view.

Taking a step back, things looked a lot different.

Despite the conflict, both Ellie and Jake were doing a good job. They were meeting deadlines, work was getting done. It wasn’t problem-free, but they were effective.   

What if fixing the broken relationship wasn’t the priority?  What if Ellie could be an effective lead in spite of the relationship she had with Jake?

When Ellie looked at her current situation from this broader view, she was able to see her successes.  She could see what needed to change and prioritize.  

Maybe Michael was right. Maybe she was doing a good job. 

Don’t Think Jake is Off the Hook

Ellie had spent 6 months trying to repair the relationship she had with Jake. With no success. Time to throw in the towel. 

But that didn’t mean allowing Jake to continue his bad behaviour.  

So how do you deal with someone who acts like a jerk? 

It’s a performance problem. Begin with the behaviours that get in the way of you, your team getting things done.   

For Ellie, there were two big issues. Jake was always late for meetings if he showed up at all. And the way he talked to her was unprofessional. He was rude, disrepectufl and kind of mean. 

The first issue she could get to work on right away. Most companies have a process to deal with performance problems. HR could set her up with the right forms and train her on how to document the problems and work through their process. Michael could coach her when needed.

The second problem - Jake’s unprofessional way of speaking to her. - that seemed like a much bigger issue. It was hard to explain the all the ways this showed up. Breaking that down into specific behaviours was going to take a little work. But there was one thing she could idenfity. And get to work on right away.

When Ellie would ask Jack to do something, a 2 minute conversation would end in a 30 minute debate.  Ellie knew she if she changed how she responded to Jake, it would fix the problem. All it would take was a little coaching from Michael to figure out the details.  

And sometimes Ellie could ask for help.  She could ask HR for help with performanc improvement plans. And when Jake went to Michael on issues he should be addressing with Ellie. Ellie could ask Michael to refer Jake back to her.  

A few simple fixes that would let Jake know things were changing.  

Wrapping Up  

There was a lot to figure out.  But for the first time, Ellie could see how to make progress with Jake.  She could feel her old confidence coming back.

She had a plan and was beginning to believe she would be successful in her role as team lead.