Many years ago I was delivering a workshop for a great group of young leaders. One of the leaders - let’s call him Andy - had a situation that might be familiar to you.    

Andy led a team of 6. Great group. Except this one guy. Norman. While the rest of Andy’s team was a joy to lead, Norman was a constant source of frustration. 

The list of issues with Norman was long. And they all seemed to stem from Norman’s lack of respect for Andy and the rest of the team. 

How do you manage someone who doesn’t respect you and the team?

A New Approach

Andy had tried. He spent more time working with Norman than with the rest of the team combined. Sometimes things would change for a few weeks…….

But over time Norman would always revert to his old ways.    

Time to try something new.

If you’re stuck on a problem you can’t solve, why not try a new problem? Approach the problem from a different angle. 

Andy had defined the problem as a lack of respect. Changing someone’s attitude, the way they think is a big ask.  

An easier way to define the problem is to focus on behaviour. Focus on what Norman does instead of what he thinks and why he does it. 

Behaviours: Small & Specific

Andy already has a list of things he wanted Norman to change.

Now he needed to turn those into behaviours. Small, specific behaviours that he could work on one by one.  

Keeping them small & specific would allow Norman to make progress. And Andy could use a few wins too. 

Starting with Norman’s lack of respect for the team, there were many issues.  

Meetings were the most problematic.  Norman’s lack of respect for Andy and the team was on full display. 

It was easy for Andy to identify the first few things he’d like Norman to change.

Norman was a handful in meetings. Interrupting, talking over others. Those were small, specific behaviours Andy could start working on right away.   

Other problems were not as clear. For example, Norman would talk to others in a way that would cause them to shut down. What Norman was doing, what needed to change - Andy would need to pay attention in future meetings.   

It turns out he didn’t need to bother. 

By working on the first two behaviours, it was enough to change the dynamic in meetings with the team. Meetings ran smoothly and complaints from the team all but disappeared. 

When you look at the lengthy list of things that need to change, take heart. There’s often a magic multiplier effect. Change a behaviour or two and other problems are minimized or even eliminated. 

Sometimes the Problem is Hard to Explain

One thing that frustrated Andy was a little harder to sort out.

Andy thought Norman’s lack of respect for him was because Andy was much younger.

When I asked Andy what Norman was doing, he wasn’t sure. It wasn’t just missing an important deadline, slow response to emails, behaviour in meetings…..

There was more to it. 

But try as he may, Andy couldn’t quite put it into words.

Fortunately, he didn’t need to. 

As he worked with Norman over the next few weeks, Norman made a real effort to change.  A lack of respect was no longer an issue. 

It wasn't that a lack of respect hadn't been in play. It may have been. But by approaching the problems from a different angle got Andy the results he wanted.   

That’s not always the case.  

If you find yourself in that situation where a lack of respect isn’t improving or is escalating, ask for help.  From your manager, mentors and HR. Sometimes it’s a problem you can’t solve on your own.

Wrapping Up

Sometimes problems that seem overwhelming and intractable need a fresh look. A new angle. 

For Andy, a new approach to an old problem was all he needed to turn things around. 

It’s not always the case, but if you’re stuck, it’s a simple strategy.

Why not give it a try.